how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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