My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
