This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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