I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
