Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
