Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize