I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize