the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
