Your face is a jimmy john
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
