Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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