I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
