she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
