i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
