Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
