I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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