The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
