we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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