We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
