me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize