Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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