I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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