This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
