When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
