Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
