Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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