I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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