The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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