The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
