if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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