How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
