My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wish my penis had a tongue
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
