the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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