just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize