I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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