I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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