Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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