Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
