Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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