just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
