walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
