Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got inside last night via doggy door
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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