Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize