omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
