Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
