dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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