I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
