My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
