i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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