Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize