His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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