drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
