Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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