I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I lost the right to judge tonight
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
