So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
