She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
