just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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