Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
