I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
