he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
