so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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