Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
