I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
