she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
