she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
